Spring Cleaning, Baby Smell, and One Good Cry

Dear Dumplin,

Hello my Dumplin Pie.  Sorry I have not written in a while.  I’ve been in a bit of a brain fog the past few months.  I’m trying to snap myself out of it and thought I’d start by writing to you.  I’ve been consumed with thinking about how to give you the best possible life with the most opportunities possible.  Don’t get me wrong, our life is good.  You are safe, well fed, clothed, housed, and surrounded by people who love you.  It’s just that you don’t have the type of Mother that settles.  I’m constantly thinking about what can be better.  Usually I think about things for a little while and then get to work but this time is different. I’m caught in endless thought. I finally decided that one small action is better than no action at all… So here we are.

As I sit here thinking about fresh starts and next steps, I’m reminded of a silly incident I had earlier this year in Spring.  I’m a big Spring Cleaner.  That moment when the weather breaks just enough for me to open the windows and let in fresh air is the BEST! This year, I pulled out some old baby clothes of yours to donate.  I “ooohhheeed” and “aaahhhhhed” over the cute baby clothes I had forgotten about.  I separated everything by size, and picked out what pieces I wanted to keep for nostalgia’s sake.  As I got to the bottom of one of the drawers, a familiar smell hit my nose.  Do you know what it was?

YOUR BABY SMELL!!! Somehow the smell of little itty bitty you was trapped in your old clothes and tucked away in a drawer.  I inhaled so deeply my chest hurt and then the tears came.  These tears were not cute little drips.  Oh no.  I proceeded to bawl the ugliest cry.  I cried and cried.  Your Dad heard me and came upstairs.  He was so perplexed to find me bawling over one of my favorite activities (organizing).  I tried to explain through sobs that you don’t smell like baby anymore, that I want to be a good Mom, that I hope I’m raising you well, that I want to show you through demonstration what life could be if you work hard and stay focused.  So much came pouring out of me in that moment from sniffing your baby clothes.  Who knew all of that was in there?!  (LOL)

After that incident I took some time to simply get quiet and think.  Did I think it would take me four months?  No.  The good thing is I’m finally feeling more like my old self, and ready to hustle and focus.  We’ll talk more as time goes on.

Love,

Mama

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