Potty Training is Bullshit


Dear Dumplin,

Yeah, I said it.  BULLSHIT.  Getting you to shit in the toilet is complete and utter bullshit.  I’m so aggravated by the entire potty training process.  You know why?  Because you know good and got damn well when you have to go.  You just don’t feel like going in the toilet.  You would rather move your bowels in a pull-up.  Why is that?  Can you tell me please? Don’t you like having a fresh and clean bottom?  And the thing that really cooks my grits?  Pushes my buttons?  Pisses me off?  Is that you will squat and go to the bathroom in the middle of the floor (in a pull-up).  When I say, “Izzy, Did you make poo poo?”  You will say as clear as day, “NO MOMMY.”

Um, excuse me little girl??!!  I just watched you squat and grunt your way to a grown-up sized bowel movement.  What do you mean no you didn’t go?  Of course you did!!!  And then here’s the kicker!!!  (And yet further proof that you are too doggone mature and grown for your age), when I’m changing you and wiping this horrid mess off of your bottom, you will have the audacity to say,

“Gentle Mommy.”

WHAATTTTT???!!!!!  You are going to tell me how to wipe you when I shouldn’t have to be wiping you in the first place???  ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!

Now granted I will admit there are days when I am just too tired to be strict and diligent about potty training.  And you know that?  You know.  You just know.  How do I know?  Because I’m your Mother and I said so.  That’s how.

First, I made the rookie error of buying the stand alone kids toilet.  You wanted no parts of it.  You played with it.  You made it into a stool.  It was a waste of money.  I spoke to your teacher who said that you are indeed going to the bathroom there (oh really), and she suggested I get the above seat that sits on top of the normal toilet.  I took you with me to Babies R Us and let you pick out which one you wanted.  You pointed and said, “Purple Sophia Mommy.  I love purple.”  So purple it was.  You pee just so you can have the glory of playing with the toilet paper and flushing the toilet.  Sometimes (not all the time), you will even tell me when you have to go without me asking.  More often, I’m looking at the clock thinking, “It’s time for her to pee.”  I just sit you on the potty and say “Pee baby Pee!”  You entertain me and smile at me with such pride.  That beautiful dimpled smile will almost make me forget the monstrousity of a diaper I had to clean earlier.

But no more!  You must use the toilet.  I cannot take it anymore.  And you know what grosses me out about it?  No, not that accidents will happen and sometimes it gets on my hands.  No, not that it smells like the grown up food you are eating.  No, not that you will sit in it and I have to wipe it off after you’ve mashed it all over your rear.  The part that pushes me past my limits?  That it’s warm.  EEEEEEEWWWWW.  If I catch you right after you go, I can feel the heat through your diaper.  DISGUSTING.  You must start using the toilet immediately!  Expeditously!  Promptly!  Right now!

And I say all of the above with as much love and admiration for you as a Mother can have.



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